Where To Next
I am in a slump or as I refer to it one of my hermit moods/modes. There has been a lot of crap going on in the past 4 years starting with changing jobs back in 2005. That seems to be the beginning of the end of my comfortable life. The job I left was a good one but for the last year I had been dealing with severe negative treatment by my supervisor and some of the main department heads. My days were filled with many experiences of being talked to in a vulgar way and having my boss throw things at me like pens, pencils, paper balls and other things that usually did not hit me or if they did were not injurious. I then got an offer to work for a general contractor and it seemed that this was a good move in a better direction. Big mistake. Being older than the female owner of the company it became clear after just a couple of months that I knew more than she did about operating a construction company and so the problems began. To make a long story short after finding a major error in a multimillion dollar addition she fired me after the city planning and zoning department made her stop work on the project until she corrected the problem I had reported to her. I never contacted anyone or blew the whistle on her but that was the end of that job and the beginning of my reign of being unemployed. I have had several temporary jobs but nothing that lasted more than a few months. I have begun to feel as though I am destined to just be a homemaker or at the least a home worker.
I have been trying to figure out a way to make money by working from home by starting a web company of some sort but so far no luck. As time goes on I feel less and less like going out into the world to even shop and thus my anxiety level increases when I do go out. My headaches are getting worse again and I know it caused by this anxiety and so the next step seems to be to go to a counselor or therapist. That in itself is a big task since it is really hard to find one to trust. Luckily I have good insurance who offer a referral service to help me shuffle through the list.
I have goals lots of goals but no ambition, energy, enthusiasm or direction in which to achieve those goals. I seem to just plug along going through my day on twitter, Facebook, go to the store, take care of the bare necessities of life, like cooking, minimal cleaning and socializing. Even writing this blog post is exhausting to me mentally. Only 3 paragraphs and my brain is tired. I follow someone from Australia who goes by the name supertriviaguy who believes in brain exercises. Just thinking about that makes me tired. One of my goals is to finish my AA degree by taking a math class this fall at the community college. I took an assessment test and did not make the grade to get into the class I need without taking a basic math class so I bought a math book to refresh my skills so I can retake the test and only have to take the one class I need. I have 2 months to do that and this is a biggy so top of my list of goals. I have been talking about for too long so now is the time to GET IT DONE!!
I have been reading a lot of different blog pages lately written by some very insightful men and women. They are funny, inspiring but also to me depressing. I think this is because of the funk I am in and not due to what they are writing about. That may seem like a jealous thing to say but it isn’t out jealousy just my own sense or lack of sense of self-confidence. I find that reading these great blog posts are helping some so the saying slow and easy is the best way to get to the end of the road.
Tomorrow is another day and so another chance to get myself back on the right track. I have found that some of the answers to my questions have brought out some scary solutions to my situation and I am not sure if I am ready or willing to change my life the way it seems the answers suggest. I will not go into details as those details are still random thoughts rambling in my head and if I speak them or bring them out into the open then they become real and thus can not be taken back and may take on a life of their own.
With that I will end this with my favorite saying – “PAY IT FORWARD AND SMELL THE FLOWERS”
