Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category
My Letter to Violence Unsilenced
The story below was posted on the site ran by MaggieDammit called Violence Unsilenced back in August of 2009. The work this woman does to help those who have survived abuse of any kind by those who say they love us is not only amazing but so needed. I am a survivor of abuse but it took me many years of pain and more abuse, both self-induced and from others, to find a way to stop it from happening in my life. The awakening came right after my third son was born and I turned 40 years and I don’t know if the two events are connected but that is when it happened. Please feel free to leave a comment here on my page.
I am a survivor from birth. I am the product of a shotgun wedding, literally. My mother hated me for ruining her life and let me know this fact my entire life and still does. My father loved me in spite of his dreams being crushed and lost. As a little girl, I was molested by the 60 something year old father of my babysitter, who was also a “friend” of my parents. In the 50’s, this kind of thing was not only NOT talked about it was not even known about. He coerced me into not telling, I was eight what did I know? Totally by accident when I was having a bath I let it slip that when my mom washed me it tickled like it did when “he” touched me there. The reaction was immediate and it was made clear that I had done something wrong and that I was a bad girl. It stayed with me forever, well almost. I never really knew what was done to him if anything, but I was sent back to that house for a while since it was summer and there seemed to be no one else to take care of me. Needless to say the climate turned very cold to me while I was there.
That was the beginning of my abusive life and it took me until I was 40 years old to understand that I was not a bad person. You see I blocked it out of my mind or at least my conscious mind. My first two husbands were abusers and that seemed okay since I had no feelings of self-worth, even though I worked and had a great relationship with fellow employees, friends and bosses. I was also a self abuser and there are regrets about things I did not do while I was younger. Something good did come out of the two bad marriages, I have three wonderful sons, who love me and care for me and cherish me. They are grown and two of them have children of their own that they cherish and love as I have loved them. My experience did teach me that no one should be made to feel that they are a burden, an eyesore, undeserving of unconditional love, especially children.
I have gotten over the molestation with help but I am still not over the rejection my mother has given me my entire life. It still hurts and I still cry and I still can’t give up trying to make her love me. I know in my heart that will never change. My dad and my brother have both told me this but I can’t help myself. I am a mom and so is she so why not to me.
I now have a very loving, caring and selfless husband who spoils me and only wants me to be happy and feel loved. He tells me constantly that I am smart, loving, strong and a person who is precious. So in closing I would just like to say that I am a survivor and part of surviving is not giving up on trying to change those you love and yourself. It is when we look at ourselves as victims that we give up trying. We give up everything and everyone in our lives and those who may come into our lives. My dad passed away many years ago, but he is still with me and keeps me strong in his love. I feel it mostly when I feel the hurt comes back about the beginning and I know that he will always be happy he made the choice he did to be my dad.
Well Maggie, I am crying now but they are tears of relief and yes joy. I hope this helps others and me too.
Take care and bless you for doing this great work.
Darlene
