I am trying to find a way to supplement our income after this round of unemployment runs out since I have no idea if I will be eligible for state benefits after this federal runs out. If any of my readers has any suggestions on how to use my internet, social networking and administrative experience to make at least a little money please send them my way.

Writing is helping so I am going to try to write more often even if it just to rant or post jokes or work on my whatifineed site. Time to get back on track and stop being a slouch.

To end this I just want to say “Do Life Now, Pay It Forward, Smell The Flowers”

I have been trying to figure out a way to make money by working from home by starting a web company of some sort but so far no luck. As time goes on I feel less and less like going out into the world to even shop and thus my anxiety level increases when I do go out. My headaches are getting worse again and I know it caused by this anxiety and so the next step seems to be to go to a counselor or therapist. That in itself is a big task since it is really hard to find one to trust. Luckily I have good insurance who offer a referral service to help me shuffle through the list.

I have goals lots of goals but no ambition, energy, enthusiasm or direction in which to achieve those goals. I seem to just plug along going through my day on twitter, Facebook, go to the store, take care of the bare necessities of life, like cooking, minimal cleaning and socializing. Even writing this blog post is exhausting to me mentally. Only 3 paragraphs and my brain is tired. I follow someone from Australia who goes by the name supertriviaguy who believes in brain exercises. Just thinking about that makes me tired. One of my goals is to finish my AA degree by taking a math class this fall at the community college. I took an assessment test and did not make the grade to get into the class I need without taking a basic math class so I bought a math book to refresh my skills so I can retake the test and only have to take the one class I need. I have 2 months to do that and this is a biggy so top of my list of goals. I have been talking about for too long so now is the time to GET IT DONE!!

I have been reading a lot of different blog pages lately written by some very insightful men and women. They are funny, inspiring but also to me depressing. I think this is because of the funk I am in and not due to what they are writing about. That may seem like a jealous thing to say but it isn’t out jealousy just my own sense or lack of sense of self-confidence. I find that reading these great blog posts are helping some so the saying slow and easy is the best way to get to the end of the road.

Tomorrow is another day and so another chance to get myself back on the right track. I have found that some of the answers to my questions have brought out some scary solutions to my situation and I am not sure if I am ready or willing to change my life the way it seems the answers suggest. I will not go into details as those details are still random thoughts rambling in my head and if I speak them or bring them out into the open then they become real and thus can not be taken back and may take on a life of their own.

With that I will end this with my favorite saying – “PAY IT FORWARD AND SMELL THE FLOWERS”

Today was quite interesting to say the least. First the small picture, physically I felt like crap. Achy all over head too cold tired no appetite. None of the things I wanted to do got done well did get groceries so that was one thing on my list. House cleaning not, other shopping not, Borders Book store not, but tomorrow is better day to go to store closing so blessing in disguise. Car washed not and son’s laundry not. It may seem like a big list of things to do but most of them would have should have been easy and almost done with little actual physical exertion on my part. The things that required going some where were the hardest to do but I still could have stuck clothes in the washer and dryer then just put them on the bed to put away later or have him put away when he comes home in a week or so. Yes he is coming home for spring break and bringing his GF. She is a pretty girl who goes to SCAD and is almost finished with her graduate degree in film. He/they called last night to ask if his bed was available, lol I joked that I would have to kick the renter out, but yes and yes he could bring Chel with him. They are both adults and sharing a bed is really no big deal to me. His stepdad is not so happy but too bad. Son is a little unsure about the entire thing since this is only second GF he has had and her and I have not met so this is a big deal bringing her to his home. She wanted to go somewhere new and so did he but the money issue was a problem and at least here they have a place to stay and food for free and he can take her to places he knows. She has never been to Vegas so will be new for her and son needs to recoup from tough quarter at school. He still is not sure about this summer so might be only visit until Christmas. By then she will be out of school and not sure where she will be working or living. I am looking forward to having him home and since I am not working will get to spend time with him and maybe both of them. I do know I will be driving them to some places but they can also take a bus or cab downtown to the strip and he has friends here that have cars. That is the next big thing I am trying to help him with getting his own car.

On the big picture front, I heard back from AV College about the idiotic reading assessment test they told me I would have to take to get my diploma. Yes that is right, I have 67.5 credits towards my AA Degree and new policy is to have all students pass a college reading assessment test. Give me a friking break. I am 59 yrs old, a certified reading tutor and have taken college classes and they want me to take a reading test. Well that is no more of an issue. The dean of admissions called me after my speaking to other deans including the College Presidents Assistant and they are going to waive requirement for me. I should have the letter by next week. That means I only have to pass an intermediate algebra course, send AV the transcript and voila my degree in Business  Management. That is going to be so great for my confidence and also help me with work and jobs. It will also help me with starting my business as a business/office organizer. Being able to put AA Degree in Bus Mgt on my resume and website will be a good thing to bring confidence to others who might hire me.

That is all for now thank you for visiting and be blessed.

I digress. The day started with having my husband trying to leave for work but finding his battery dead in his car. Solution, he took my car, I called AAA, they came jumped the battery, I took the car to Wal-Mart for new battery, took his car to him at work got my car came home, redressed for success lol and spent 2 hours at job fair. By the time I got home I felt like I had run a marathon or something. Totally exhausted and I really didn’t do much. Weird. I am now watching Sci Fi and doing my blog trying to regenerate some energy.

Sci Fi is having a dragon movie marathon and Dragon Sword is on now. Not sure if I have seen this one before maybe in the middle some of it seems familiar. Beginning is a monk on a skateboard lol. 15 minutes into the movie this is a new one for me so will watch it but is hard since there are commercials every 10 minutes. Commercials are so annoying.

Seems like the drama day is over thank goodness it was a short one. Some drama days last more than a day and are really stressful. This one was more of a dram of drama day. Hard to believe it is Tuesday and March 1 to boot. February is over we are into the third month of the year and spring is here. Summer is just around the corner and I am so looking forward to warm days and nights. Love summer the birds, the flowers, smaller loads of laundry to do all the things that come with summer.

Starting to really fade now so will thank you for visiting and be blessed.

The other good thing is that it is cold, windy and raining today so staying home in my pj’s is just where I am most comfortable. Wish there were better shows on TV to watch only choices are old Criminal Intents, Special Victim’s Unit and Law and Orders. Thus, I am writing on my blog and will work on my website. This may be a long diary entry hope it goes well.

Well after sleeping for 18 hours husband is up but not much better. He had some cereal now having tea and lemon and another pill. This is going to be a long weekend but with luck he will be over it by tomorrow. Going to close for today or at least now. Might post more later not sure. Take care and be blessed.

Today is Friday, I applied to 2 jobs today and talked to 3 colleges about continuing my education. I have to take an algebra class to finish my AA degree which is no big deal and should have that by summer. The big thing is the community college I started with in California is insisting I take a college reading assessment test to get my degree. No that is beyond ridiculous since I have 67.5 credits towards my degree, I am a certified reading tutor for adults who cannot read and I was an english major in high school. So WTF is that about. I am going to call the school next week and take this all the way to the top of the college if I have to in order to fight this requirement. Give me a fing break.

Anyway so that is where I stand at the moment. I am going to really try to write every day here even if it is just yada yada yada lol.

Pie is almost done so will close for now. Take care, thanks for stopping by and be blessed. Oh here is a video of a great song from Cold Case I watched today.

A very special twitter friend who is always helping others with medical, social and just everyday problems or questions or needs posted a link to a chat for migraine sufferers yesterday afternoon. I don’t usually do those kind of chats but since it was from Amy I knew it was a sign. So glad happy grateful I gave it a shot. The ladies there were long time short time sufferers but who still had their sense of humor at our condition. It was great. I will post the link to my migraine page so you can find it easily since I am still figuring out how to combine all of my blog pages.  I digress.

The rest of the day was spent on my blog and just surfing the net and chatting with friends on Facebook and Twitter and then I made dinner. My husband came home we had dinner the mess is all cleaned up and his lunch is made (leftovers are great for next day lunches) and now I sit here working on my blog.

I am inspired by so many people these days and I have some very lofty goals in mind for myself. I say lofty because I am still at some loss as to how to make them come to fruition. Here they are:

1) Finish getting my AA degree in Business Mgt – I have to take an algebra class and take a college level reading assessment test to prove that I can read college level. Now this to me seems really redundant and stupid. I have 67.5 college credits consisting of Bus Law, HR Mgt., Bus Mgt, Critical Thinking, Philosophy you get the picture. I also have been trained and certified as a Literacy Tutor by a national agency and I am 59 yrs old. Hmmm that one is gonna be tough since I am not sure if the test here in NV will be the same as CA where my degree will come from.

2) Start my own business – no easy task in itself but this is to help small companies and maybe large companies organize their offices. Teach them how to utilize filing systems, computer systems etc. The money to start is no much mostly for getting it incorporated and advertising. We will see after I complete #1.

3) Get my house/home in order. I have let my home go without keeping up on major cleaning and I really want to get it painted on the inside and also get some things fixed and redone. The painting I can pretty much do myself if I can just get off my duff and do it.

These three things are the most important for now. NCIS reruns are on and I am starting to get a cramp in my hands (arthritis of the fingers) another sign of my age which is really starting to get me pissed. I said I would put the link to my migraine page in this post and it is also on the sidebar.

http://wiccan13-mylifewithmigraines.blogspot.com/

Hope you enjoyed my ramblings and look for some new things to come ie recipes, videos, links to new places and things to do.

Take Care and Be Blessed

So to try and redo what I wrote yesterday. Not an easy task since my writing style is generally from the cuff so to speak and once written it tends to leave the memory. Not efficient I know but so it is.

Since the beginning of the year I have had several social set backs both in real life and in virtual life. I was involved in an altercation with a neighbor in February then in March my husband had another altercation with the same family and as a result their teenage daughter and her friends threw rocks at our bedroom windows and broke 4 out of 5 of them. No proof and so now we have security cameras on our garage and new windows in our bedroom. On the upside I had the new windows made with a greylite glass on the outside and so it should help with cutting down the heat in the summer since our bedroom faces the west with no shade from 11am until around 7pm every day. It has already made a huge difference since now I have some very nice sheer curtains in the windows and have some natural light during the day instead of darkness. There has been a lot of verbal support from the authorities but not much else. Not a high priority.

On the social internet front I have cut down on my tweeting and am no longer writing for the music website due to unforeseen financial circumstances and issues regarding my lack of ability to concentrate. The latter is due I am sure to the trauma experienced from the confrontation. I am getting my thought process back and hopefully it will be better.

This past weekend I watched Avatar and I am stricken, mesmerized, enchanted, enthralled and also disenchanted. I want to live on Pandora and become a Navi or live and be something similar. I have always had hope that this world of ours would someday become what it was but have recently come to the conclusion it is a long ways past saving. We are simply filling time and taking up space until this round globe implodes or explodes or just goes dead. I cry for my children and their children and their children. I have three sons and three grandchildren and it hurts my heart to think of what we have done to the place they call home and how innocent they are to what lay ahead of them in their lives. The spirits are still here among us waiting to help us find the way to contentment and peace but I am sad to say not enough of us are listening and those of us who are will continue to go unheard as so are they. I am going to close for now but with these words that I always try hard to live by:

Remember a smile is free to give but priceless to receive so give someone a smile and it will enrich many others including yourself.

I am a survivor from birth. I am the product of a shotgun wedding, literally. My mother hated me for ruining her life and let me know this fact my entire life and still does. My father loved me in spite of his dreams being crushed and lost. As a little girl, I was molested by the 60 something year old father of my babysitter, who was also a “friend” of my parents. In the 50’s, this kind of thing was not only NOT talked about it was not even known about. He coerced me into not telling, I was eight what did I know? Totally by accident when I was having a bath I let it slip that when my mom washed me it tickled like it did when “he” touched me there. The reaction was immediate and it was made clear that I had done something wrong and that I was a bad girl. It stayed with me forever, well almost. I never really knew what was done to him if anything, but I was sent back to that house for a while since it was summer and there seemed to be no one else to take care of me. Needless to say the climate turned very cold to me while I was there.

That was the beginning of my abusive life and it took me until I was 40 years old to understand that I was not a bad person. You see I blocked it out of my mind or at least my conscious mind. My first two husbands were abusers and that seemed okay since I had no feelings of self-worth, even though I worked and had a great relationship with fellow employees, friends and bosses. I was also a self abuser and there are regrets about things I did not do while I was younger. Something good did come out of the two bad marriages, I have three wonderful sons, who love me and care for me and cherish me. They are grown and two of them have children of their own that they cherish and love as I have loved them. My experience did teach me that no one should be made to feel that they are a burden, an eyesore, undeserving of unconditional love, especially children.

I have gotten over the molestation with help but I am still not over the rejection my mother has given me my entire life. It still hurts and I still cry and I still can’t give up trying to make her love me. I know in my heart that will never change. My dad and my brother have both told me this but I can’t help myself. I am a mom and so is she so why not to me.

I now have a very loving, caring and selfless husband who spoils me and only wants me to be happy and feel loved. He tells me constantly that I am smart, loving, strong and a person who is precious. So in closing I would just like to say that I am a survivor and part of surviving is not giving up on trying to change those you love and yourself. It is when we look at ourselves as victims that we give up trying. We give up everything and everyone in our lives and those who may come into our lives. My dad passed away many years ago, but he is still with me and keeps me strong in his love. I feel it mostly when I feel the hurt comes back about the beginning and I know that he will always be happy he made the choice he did to be my dad.

Well Maggie, I am crying now but they are tears of relief and yes joy. I hope this helps others and me too.

Take care and bless you for doing this great work.

Darlene